Hey there!
We are so excited to be back with you all after a fun filled summer of parks, pools and amusement. While that was great, I'm so glad to be here once again breaking down all things parenting and then some. From my summer outings, I was able to glean many aspects of parenthood that I've yet to hone in on before, mainly parenting styles.
During the summer, my daughter and I encountered new friends and their parents. It was awesome to see how each of these parents chose to implement discipline, how they reacted to tantrums and their overall disposition with their child; here's what I gathered.
When children were out with both parents (mom and dad), the children tended to gauge the father in open play (i.e. running on the playground).
At restaurants, children seemed to gravitate towards mom for feeding or to engage them in conversations.
Within the family unit, children turned to dad for exploration and play while mom was seen as the comfort (i.e. if a child was tired, they wanted to be with mom).
Though these observations are not a "one size fits all" description of what parenting looks like for all, it pushed me to think of how my parenting style as a single mother shows up in my encounters with my toddler.
Parenting Styles Can Vary
According to Mayo Clinic, there are four parenting styles "authoritarian, authoritative, permissive and neglectful".
Authoritarian parenting is holding a child to high expectations and using punishment as reinforcement. In this parenting style, the guardian does not make room for compromise and may not be flexible in adjusting their "rules".
Pro(s) of this style: children tend to be well behaved
Con(s) of this style: difficulties with social skills and decision making
Authoritative parenting is the balance between firm expectations and allowing children the space to feel comfortable in expressing their objections to the rules; the final say still falls on the parent. Authoritative parents usually have healthy relationships with their children because they are able to instill confidence, demonstrate sound ability to regulate emotion and explain consequences rather than just enforcing punishment without cause.
Permissive parents are often seen as the "best friend". This parenting style does not typically involve discipline as the main focus is the "emotional well being", thus allowing the child to make majority of the decisions. On the contrary, if the decision making process does not end well, this type of parent will not get involved in rectifying the situation.
Pro(s) of this style: children are allowed to make their own decisions
Con(s) of this style: children can become impulsive
Neglectful parents are able to parent in survival mode, therefore they ensure that a child's basic needs are met, but do not really engage the child's needs outside of this. One crucial aspect of this parenting style is that "It’s not always a conscious choice parents make, but can be forced by circumstance, such as the need to work late shifts, single parenting, mental health concerns or overall family troubles."
Pro(s) of this style: children learn to be self-sufficient
Con(s) of this style: children can develop low self-esteem
Which Parent Are You?
Being as transparent as possible, I have gone through various transitions of my parenting style. Initially, I was a neglectful parent who did not really want to engage with my child beyond providing her basic needs. I was battling postpartum depression, going through a rough patch in redefining the relationship with her dad, and quite frankly I was not ready to give up my lifestyle pre baby. In my mind, I was going to be "kid-less" forever and should have the liberty to come and go as I pleased, but with a new baby that all came to an end.
Then, I became the permissive parent. As my child grew, i allowed myself to be riddled with the guilt of her father's absence, therefore, I wanted to overcompensate in any way possible. When my child would cry, I would immediately soothe her instead of allowing her to self regulate. In addition, I would allow her to throw tantrums without correcting the behavior which led to random outbursts in public, disrespect and rebellious tendencies. When this occurred, I would immediately give in to whatever she wanted to deter her behavior. Unfortunately, this created a bad habit of my child screaming or crying to get what she wanted.
Most recently, I am finding my way into authoritative parenting. As a single parent I do understand how one can fall into the groove of trying to "do it all", but we should always keep in mind what is best for the overall and long term benefit of our child(ren). Even though my daughter is only three years old, she still need the foundational tools to understand appropriate social and emotional development. For example, I provide choice on what she she will wear based on the weather by giving her two outfit options. Based on the colors, characters or prints on the clothing she will be allowed to make a decision. All in all, the type of clothing she chooses from will show her how to dress for the weather, a life skill she will use later in life.
On the other hand, I am still struggling with setting boundaries. For instance, I can be working on a lesson plan, and she would want to sit next to me watching YouTube videos (loudly) on her iPad. Depending on my level of concentration, I may redirect her to sit in her room to entertain herself or I might allow her to stay which can be distracting. Whatever the scenario, I cannot say that I always hit the mark and it is a work in progress.
With that said, what's your parenting style?
Love this topic and need more info? Try these:
Why Parenting Styles Matter When Raising Children
Very well mind also offers a free 12 question parenting quiz which you can take here
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