"Stop expecting you, out of other people." is a mantra that I've adopted over time in order to refrain from expectations and disappointments. However, that does not mean that I have completely stopped holding people accountable for their actions. Instead, I started meeting people where they were and understanding that their role in my life may come with limitations. As my pastor says "You wouldn't give a baby a Lamborghini, would you?", so why would you expect more out of a person who has not demonstrated that they are capable of doing so? This flawed mindset often sets us up for disaster, and causes us to hold on to the false hope that one day we will hear "I'm sorry for..." or that we will see changed behaviors from someone who has been adamant about not wanting to change. So I ask, are you going to be fine without getting that apology you know you deserve?
At different times in our lives, hurt and disappointment may come leading to resentment and anger. Humans are not made perfect, and we have flaws that prevent us from "always getting it right" like making emotional decisions, folding into peer pressure, or allowing family to dictate how we live our lives. With this, will come instances of disagreements and offenses that break trust and can even develop into anger or resentment. Therefore, it is crucial for us to understand how harboring these feelings may take a toll on us. Cleveland Clinic (2024) states that resentment makes it harder to forgive the perpetrator. Yet, lack of forgiveness increases the likelihood "to experience severe depression and post-traumatic stress disorder, as well as other health conditions.". Overall, resentment can cause hostility, anger, disgust towards an individual, as well as stress!
This is why we need to choose forgiveness! Per John Hopkins, "Studies have found that the act of forgiveness can reap huge rewards for your health, lowering the risk of heart attack; improving cholesterol levels and sleep; and reducing pain, blood pressure, and levels of anxiety, depression and stress." This indicates how forgiveness is paramount to our overall health. I know many of you are wondering "how do I learn to forgive?" here are some strategies that I've used:
Tip 1: Find an outlet to express yourself
There will be times that we cannot have the needed conversation with those who have hurt us; that does not exempt us from our feelings. If this is the case, you can journal, workout, or speak to a therapist to relieve the negative emotions attached to this individual.
Tip 2: Put space between yourself and the person
Space and time are two of our greatest friends and there are times when they need to be exercised as we navigate our emotions. This space will allow you time to reflect on what triggered you to feel disrespected, strategize how you want to engage with this person going forward, and gives you time to create boundaries for yourself.
Tip 3: Do not expect individuals to change unless their actions show otherwise
One way to avoid further or future hurt is to shift your mindset about what to expect from others. Pay attention to their behaviors and how those behaviors may cause changes to how you react. If you instantly become upset, this should indicate that you are still working on forgiveness. But, if you are unphased and have accepted this individual's flaws without feel attacked by them, chances are you are forgiven them. Just remember to keep your boundaries in tact!
Writing on this topic has caused my own reflection on how I have handled resentment. I used to be an individual who would hold grudges. By doing so, I was extremely angry which led to a poor diet, high levels of stress and even exacerbated my already acne prone skin. Carrying that heaviness lead to me always being on defense, thus I had few friends or chose to be a "loner" when in fact I needed someone to just ask me if I was "okay". Yet, the anger and closed off demeanor just pushed folks away leaving me exposed to superficial relationships. From this, I learned that I cannot walk around upset at the world or punishing others for someone else's mistakes.
Check out what's out there about this topic! Clicking the links below will take you to other informative articles.
Resentment: How It Can Creep In and Take Hold https://health.clevelandclinic.org/what-is-resentment
Forgiveness: Your Health Depends on It https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/forgiveness-your-health-depends-on-it
How to Forgive: 5 Tips for Letting Go and Moving On https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-forgive-3144957
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