Reflection is an essential part of my daily routine. I reflect on my actions that day, how I contributed to someone's well being, if I tended to my personal and professional tasks. In this cycle of reflection, I have noted that I often drift into memory lane. While there's nothing to gain from looking at the past, there are gems that we add to our toolkit to deal with life.
Recently, I have lost so much. I have had to distance myself from old habits, patterns of contempt and even people who I've held dearly to my heart. Though these losses hurt me to the core, I have gained more than I've lost. My biggest change is I am disinterested in the habit of drinking. When I used to drink, I became such an ugly person. I was easily angered, I would drink to the point of tumbling over, slurring my words and waking up in my own vomit at times. Breaking from this gave me such a freedom from my internal prison.
Another poor habit that was broken from disengaging in drinking was false masculinity. Going out to bars and lounges was fun at the time, especially when eyebrows would raise every time I purchased my own "bottles". Growing up in the New York nightlife, buying "bottles" is deemed as lavish and thrilling as it gives the optic that one has some kind of "wealth". While that was not my intent when purchasing "bottles", it was inevitable to fall into this perception from others. In hindsight, I did/do have a great career and make a pretty decent living. However, looking back, part of me was conforming to this ideology to show men that "I can do what you do". I did not understand how to balance assertiveness while keeping my femininity at the forefront.
The destruction of my femininity cost me greatly. My demeanor was very aggressive and scared people away. I attracted negativity from both men and women even those who were supposed to be my "friends". I would feed into situations that required no response at all, thus developing a defensive mechanism of sarcasm and a willingness to be confrontational at a drop of a dime; The Bible warns of this type of behavior. Proverbs 18 talks about the power of words by stating :The word of a gossip are like choice morsels; they go down to the inmost parts." (Proverbs 18:8) and "From the fruit of their mouth a person's stomach is filled; with the harvest of their lips they are satisfied" (Proverbs 18:20).
It wasn't until I stopped drinking that I saw how truly sweet and sensitive I am. It wasn't until I stopped drinking that I learned the power of having mercy for others even those that were or are out to destroy us. And that's why...There's not a single day I don't thank God for bringing me to where I am today.
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