Hey there,
I am writing this from a space of utter transparency and accountability. Currently, I am making every mess of my life that you can think of. I have had moments of harboring ill feelings and irritability intertwined with the false sense that I have no outlet in which to release them. I've been so focused on the stressors instead of finding peace within the chaos. Unfortunately, this almost lead to my own demise!
The first nudge I received about my lack of vulnerability came through close friends and family. They noticed that my anger was getting the best of me in areas which I had done so well in before. For instance, I had been curbing my "potty mouth" and using wisdom when interacting with others, but the past two months have had more slip ups than I can count. I would make sarcastic remarks, speak in a dismissive tone, in essence became standoffish. Though this was not the norm for me, I had not taken any time to address my internal struggles. I hated the consistent decision making of single parenting, I was ungrateful with what I had... I was becoming bratty and impatient.
Ultimately, this regression and suppression of internal conflicts put me at odds with myself and my faith; a true man vs self scenario. My "bulldoze through it" mentality caused me to stress eat in excess, and I was at a point where I couldn't even cry or pray. Even though surface level works were being done like attending church, I was not being fully open with my internal struggles of boredom with my new lifestyle.
To "cover this up", I started to become manipulative. I took on the "goody two shoes" persona and did everything I knew my pastor and others liked just to keep them at bay from discovering my true internal battle. Inside, I was hurt and bitter about being single, having limited finances for leisure activities, not wanting to deal with my traumas of emotional and verbal abuse, etc. These things kept me trapped in "fight or flight" mode to the point that I could not identify my own sadness.
Then, one day, I was warned about the destruction behind this mask. Not only would being angry and bitter eventually cause me a slew of health issues, but it would cause me to become emotionally abusive to my child. This was because it was ingrained in me to resort to screaming and yelling whenever I felt upset; one the same tactics used on me when I was a child. So, from that moment on, I decided to be open as it was the only way to rid myself of this emotional cancer.
As of the publishing of this post, I am still working at it. Being accountable is difficult in the aspect of digging deep to face what is truly keeping you from evolving. However, learning to face your traumas prevents you from repeating cycles of abuse and bring you internal peace with who you are!
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