Hey there parents,
Welcome back to your favorite blog! During this time of reflection regarding our previous conversation about trauma, I wanted to talk about relationships where we get less than what we give. Some may think of this as giving others “time to change”, giving “benefit of doubt” or down right delusion! Which ever way you spin it, what happens when nothing’s reciprocated?
Like others, I’ve had my share of dating where I’ve found myself gaining losses. This was attributed to acceptance of the bare minimum and believing in empty promises rather than holding the person to actionable steps; growing up, I was always told that being supportive and giving your partner space were essential for a mate to value you. My mentality pushed me into a space of wanting to be the cheerleader for a hopeless cause since I saw encouragement as positive reinforcement. Yet, they forgot to mention that no matter how much you did this if the person didn’t value you the work was done in vain.
Hence, I was typically left wanting more. I would be in these “relationships” pouring out all I had- buying gifts, making a big deal out of birthdays, putting their needs before mine- only to be met with “I’m not ready for this to grow” and at times nothing but casual encounters. I felt embarrassed for myself time and time again as I began to notice that I wasn’t worth putting forth emotional energy to these people. Overall, the lack of effort trained me to expect and accept nothing.
Unfortunately, this acceptance led me to harden myself and dislike doing things “from the heart”. My motto for that era of my life was “show no feelings, feel no pain”, however, I was doused in pain! It broke me to the core that the people I attracted didn’t see me worthy of being more than just “something to do”. So, I started treating people as a business transaction, and I would get whatever I could out of them. Wanted a free meal? There was someone for that. Wanted to be groomed (hair, nails, etc.)? Had someone for that too! Even in this "give and take" there was nothing... not a single drop of intimacy. Thus, I started caring less about building bonds and started focusing on my selfishness instead. Now, it was all about me! From the piss poor treatment, I became a self-centered woman who would falsely believe that "I could push past anything" without an ounce of emotion attached.
Essentially, I gleaned that when nothing is reciprocated, resentment enters into the space where love should reside. We either become cold and bitter or complacent and passive because we still want the attention of these individuals no matter what it costs. Furthermore, our esteem is damaged leaving us with little space to really love or care for self. Ultimately, the decision is ours. What will you do when you're receiving less than what you deserve?
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